A journey to answers

***I originally posted most of this last week but some information needed to be updated, so I sent it back to drafts until I was able to properly update.***

My entire life, all I've ever wanted was to be a mother.
I finally got my wish......and well....it's pretty miserable.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for about 9 years, but what has taken over my life is a bit more intense than anything I've experienced prior.


Before I got pregnant, I really was at my happiest. Sure I still preferred to stay at home and "be lazy." Sure I still had erratic mood swings, but I was able to keep those almost 100% to myself.
Pregnancy changed all of that. When I should have been so incredibly happy that I was growing the little miracle I had always wanted, I was struggling. Maybe it was just the hormones.
Fast forward- I decided to get my placenta encapsulated to hopefully ward off this PPD I kept hearing about. My placenta pills lasted me 6 weeks. They made a huge difference in my bleeding time, I didn't experience many of the hormone induced things my friends talked about (extreme sensitivity, random weepiness, and the sweats). Frankly, I felt totally normal. Even when my baby started showing that he was colicky around 3 weeks, I cried with him maybe twice. Yea I was kind of miserable- but who wouldn't be with a baby screaming in your face for hours upon hours a day.
Then the pills ran out and slowly the anger and rage started to close in around me. I found myself feeling pissed off almost constantly. I hated my husband because he got to sleep and got to see baby at his happiest after he returned from work. I hated my cat because he refused to let me sleep when I was finally being given the chance. But worst of all, I hated my child because I had been doing absolutely everything possible to meet his needs and try to soothe him but it seemed like nothing was helping and that frankly, he was hurting me (although obviously its not on purpose, he's a baby after all). My body hurt from the miles I put on my feet walking and bouncing him around the house. My nipples were, and still are, almost too sensitive to touch from the almost constant nursing, since that seemed to calm him down best. I was, and still am, dropping weight like crazy since my body is taking all the 'good stuff' (from what all I manage to consume) to make milk for baby and leaving me feeling quite awful.
Frustration turned into yelling rather than crying. Lots of yelling, every day. I'm slamming doors, throwing my nipple shield across the room because he refuses to latch sometimes, slamming the tv remote around because it won't turn the tv on/off in one try like it's supposed to, slamming the front door hard enough to shake the house because it wouldn't lock, etc.
I find this behavior so incredibly scary. Could it get worse?

So I sought help.
What happened?
I was scheduled for an appointment with a counselor and then a provider right after. My anxiety had me worried that -per the usual- the 'happy face' I had been putting on for the public for 9 years now would take over and make me unbelievable. I was right to worry.
The counselor spent less than 30min with me. She admitted she really knew nothing about babies but was down and determined that she could use just talk therapy to change the way I think and that she really doesn't believe in meds. It was obvious she felt I was functioning just fine, that I just had a little anxiety that could easily be resolved.
Rewind
In the 9 years I've been struggling I've spoke with one counselor and two therapists. No one has ever been able to change the way I think. No matter how many times someone tells me "just don't worry so much" or "choose to be happy" nothing changed. Don't they think I try that every. single. day. I don't want to feel like this. Who on earth would? I self treated with boyfriends, sex and alcohol. Fast forward a little to my sophomore year of college. The deep depression struck again. My now husband was away, I was up in arms with my family, I felt like no one in my sorority liked or cared about me, I was failing classes, I was crying at work- I was overwhelmed and needed help. I chose to speak to someone again. It felt great to let it all out and to just try to do what he was telling me, but what happened? I started working out -not that I needed to but I was tired of being picked on for being so skinny so I wanted 'big muscles'- but I was also told it could help with depression. I also started eating clean because I was told that could help too. I became obsessed. Spring semester the only classes I took were exercise classes and I was working out 5 days a week on top of my classes. I weighed 112lbs, had awesome muscles but....was still depressed and even more anxious than I had been previously.
When May came and my husband and I were able to move in together since he was done with training (fun Army stuff). I left behind the stresses of college, my job and my family.
Tada! I was happy. Still anxious as hell, but I was happy. I even stopped working out so much. Then of course came pregnancy and yada yada.
So back to right now, the whole 'changing how I think' thing didn't work then and although I don't believe it will work now, I'll give the lady a chance.
Here's where a mistake was made.
While I was waiting to see the provider after speaking with the counselor, the counselor found I was still in the waiting room. She said that she has been asking the nurses in the clinic next door about this colic thing I spoke of and that one of them wanted to talk to me right quick while I was waiting if that was okay. I said sure, I didn't mind. I still had 10 min until my next appointment. She told the desk ladies that I would be in her office when the provider was ready. Except she took me next door, stuck me in an exam room with two nurses and closed the door. After one nurse realized that my child really was VERY tough to deal with, she left. Then it was just me and a nurse that said her son had a pretty severe case of colic. We talked for a bit. She said I was very well educated and was doing everything right and that colic really can turn you into a different person. She was fabulous and confirmed in me that I really was doing the best I could for him. Then I was escorted out of their clinic. I looked at my phone. It was 45min passed my appointment time!!!! No one came to get me!! There was no way I would be seen at this point. So I went home, cried my eyes out because how could this happen?! but go figure it happened, this is me we're talking about and I have the world's worst luck, like EVER. I knew that if I walked back into my clinic I would absolutely lose it and just cry and yell and probably get my husband in trouble (military healthcare in a military hospital sure is fun). I just felt sheer hopelessness that I would never get relief from these feelings and emotions. I talked it out with one of my close friends who also has battled PPD. I finally calmed down enough to message my clinic (its our only form of communication since I have no way of calling them directly) and tell them my opportunity had been taken from me and I wanted to speak to just a provider about temporary medication.
The next morning I got a message back saying that the first available appointment would be July 29th- that was TWO WEEKS away.
Absolutely unacceptable.
I called the appointment line. I explained what happened and she told me that she's only allowed to schedule me with someone other than my assigned provider for a same day appointment and those were already filled- mind you it is 8:30am. I was told I could call at 6am tomorrow to get a same day. I felt myself start to completely lose it. I told her how screwed up and unfair that is! I immediately told her that I know its not her fault but my gosh how unfair that is to me. She said she could put in a message to the clinic to see whats going on and have them call me. I thanked her and hung up.

I gave up on waiting and decided it was best if I just showed up to the clinic and took care of business. To my surprise, they were incredibly nice and did everything they could to get me in asap. So, within 20min they had me in with a provider. Turns out both her and her nurse were awesome and so so so nice, just what I needed. We talked for a bit and she decided to start me on a taper dose of an SSRI but she was concerned it was a bit more than just PPD. Given my history, to her, it sounded more like BPD (bipolar disorder) than PPD.
I found this so incredibly ironic. In 2013 I had sought help because I felt I was exhibiting signs of BPD. Of course he told me the same ole same ole, which is when the working out that I previously stated came in. My emotions have always been pretty wonky, but I attributed that to just being sensitive. The doctor explained how it seemed I had episodes followed with obsessive, compulsive and/or risky behaviors. When I started to think about it.....it was incredibly true. I had always been easily irritable, I always felt anger, happiness or sadness on a rather deep level, my mind always ran in circles for hours on end and my memory (about anything other than what made me sad/mad) really sucked. She also explained that if this were the case the SSRI might backfire, which is pretty scary. What's even more scary is that she said if it does backfire and I feel even more angry than 'normal' to go to the ER. WHAT! I guess it's for everyone's safety, but sheesh. Another idea she had was to check my thyroid, just in case pregnancy messed it up.

So now we're trying things out and seeing what happens. They want me to continue to speak with the counselor, which i'm not a big fan of honestly. She just put a bad taste in my mouth. Apparently they don't have a psychiatry department for dependents, so I would have to be referred off post for that. I'm honestly hoping that's what happens. But I go back at the two week mark from when I was last seen to talk about how things are going and if the meds are doing anything.
I just want an answer, ya know. It's something I've been searching for for a long time. I want to be a better wife, mother and friend.

 This will be a journey I intend to update on as things happen. So, feel free to follow my journey to answers.